There’s a story of a sad, lonely woman who felt desperate. She was afraid of her despair. As she was driving along worrying, she noticed a Nativity scene outside a retirement home. A thought struck her: surely someone living here is just as lonely and depressed as I am. She swerved into the driveway. With an unexpected surge of energy she inquired about visiting and was introduced to an elderly woman who had not seen a visitor in months. They spent a delightful afternoon getting acquainted and continued to see each other until the older woman died several years later. Instead of being lonely, each of these women enjoyed their new friendship.

The woman in the story did not let negative feelings overwhelm her. She refused to criticize herself or to be afraid of her feelings. She acknowledged her emotions and then promptly took action to take care of herself.

An emotional time of low energy can be a sign of good change. You can help the process by taking good care of yourself. Be careful of those secondary feelings that say you “shouldn’t feel this way” or “there’s something wrong with me”. Take courage from the woman in the story who acknowledged how she was feeling, recognizing that the feelings would pass.

If you’re feeling low this season, for any reason, accept that is how you feel. Give yourself needed rest. Soothe your senses. Be kind to yourself. Develop an attitude of gratitude. Decide on a specific action that would benefit another person. If you want some help, please call me.

Kathy Hyink, LMSW, ACSW is founder of Performance Enhancement Solutions. She is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience. Her clients enjoy thorough and fast results that empower them to be their best. Visit www.KathyHyink.com for more info.

For example, I remember a young couple who would travel out of state once or twice a year to visit extended family. They dreaded the inevitable questions everyone seemed to ask about their private business, i.e. what are your career plans, how are your finances, when will you have children. Both the bride and the groom were stymied and yet struggled to provide answers. Over time they realized their choice in the matter — they didn’t have to answer a question just because it was asked. Then they developed ways to set boundaries that allowed them to feel comfortable no matter what questions might be posed. They developed skill at graciously preserving their privacy.

Years ago at a dinner party I learned a wonderful lesson. After a delicious feast had been served, the hostess brought forth magnificent desserts which probably contained more calories than the whole meal. She was beaming with pride as she set them before her guests, anticipating happy enjoyment and compliments. I could see that many others felt as I did: as lovely and delicious as the dessert was, we were not in the mood for more eating. Yet, no one said anything and began to eat. One fellow gestured kindly to the hostess, saying, if I were to eat a dessert this would surely be the one, but unfortunately I never touch dessert.

The lesson? There are classy ways to set a boundary. Just as the man with the desserts was prepared with gentle eloquence, you can decide beforehand what your stance is about something important to you. Then you can prepare some one-liners as he did for such occasions. Or, you can sandwich your opinion/decision/boundary within a couple of complimentary and positive remarks. For example: “you presented your idea to me very clearly and I can certainly see its advantages. The idea does not fit within my time/budget/goals right now. I appreciate your taking the time to share your idea with me. I wish you well in your pursuit of the idea.”

Communication is much easier when we are prepared for tight moments. You can develop skills to plan ahead, decide what is important to you, and be gracious in setting a boundary.

Kathy Hyink, ACSW, is founder of Performance Enhancement Solutions. She helps people reach their full potential and be their best. Visit her website at www.KathyHyink.com.

Peace of mind is being free from emotional pain, having an inner sense of being safe and secure, no matter what is going on around you.

Peace of mind means you are present to the moment. You are free of past events and the emotional distress they can cause, free from excessive unpleasant emotions such as guilt, anger, and fear. Your mind is clear. Your body can relax.

Many times our sense of peace is disturbed by happenings in our environment, be it something major like a hurricane or something small–like a flat tire.

When distressed, it’s easy to lose sight of your strengths and ability to cope, making the way for feelings of despair. You can head down a path of negative emotions that leave you feeling helpless.

How can you enjoy peace of mind, even when you are under such stress?

Inventory your strengths. Remind yourself of the things you are good at. For example, you know how to be patient, how to think logically, and how to make healthy decisions. Reminding yourself of your strengths gives you confidence that can help you cope with unexpected negative circumstances.

Count your blessings. Acknowledge what you are grateful for. Make a list. Include anything and everything you can think of, no matter how small. It may be a hot shower; a cup of tea; the ability to see the beauty of the outdoors. Develop your gratitude muscles by practicing each day.

Acknowledge your limits. Not everything in life is under your control. For many people this means acknowledging a higher power such as God. People with a specific faith or spiritual belief often display a sense of peace that others do not.

Connect with others. Relationships with others give us comfort and security that nothing else can. Plan a dinner with friends. Enjoy those close to you. Make time for conversations with people you love.

By following these suggestions you too can enjoy peace of mind in your life, even in the midst of chaos.

Kathy Hyink, LMSW, ACSW is founder of Performance Enhancement Solutions. Or visit www.KathyHyink.com.

Stage fright happens to athletes, musicians, actors, business people, anyone going “on stage,” knowing they will be the center of attention. It can also happen for each of us in everyday situations such as introducing yourself to a group, making sales calls, giving a presentation, or taking a test.

Many times people feel comfortable during practice. Then, in the actual event, they tense up, or worse, freeze totally. Stage fright can impede your success in life. In fact, business people have come to me because they are at risk of losing their jobs. The good news is you can do something about it.

You can conquer it

Maybe you have experienced some of the frustrations, anxieties, or worries that go with having to perform. How do you conquer it?

In my practice, we eliminate the source of stage fright. Results are achieved quickly. It is amazing the relief people feel when the anxiety and frustration are no longer there to interfere with their performance.

There is a genuine fulfillment that comes from performing your best, whether it be scoring at basketball or speaking in front of the city council. If you would like help overcoming stage fright, call my office. I will be happy to speak with you.

Kathy Hyink, LMSW, ACSW, is founder of Performance Enhancement SolutionsVisit her website: www.KathyHyink.com.

A good relationship feels wonderful. The mutual support and understanding make you feel more alive and brings out the best in you. Having someone with whom to share the ever-changing events of life is energizing.

On the other hand, a relationship where you and your partner are not getting along makes you feel emotionally stuck, confused and discouraged. You feel worn down. It becomes easy to fall into negative, hurtful patterns of thinking and communicating.

Here’s the good news

I believe that no couple should have to stay stuck. Your relationship may feel hopeless, but don’t give up. You can get out of a slump. New methods can help you feel better, think more clearly, and get going in a better direction. Allow me to help you and your partner break your negative patterns and make the best of your relationship.

While it is good for you and your partner to seek help together, I have found that even if one of you does so, it can have a positive influence on the other, improving your relationship.

Positive changes, quickly

Many couples think that because they have had the problem for years that it will take a long time to get over it. Not true. Time and time again in my practice, I have seen solid relationship changes occur in a matter of just weeks.

All relationships go through cycles of growth. If you are in a rough spot and are looking for a way to change, call my office. I am happy to speak with you.

Kathy Hyink, ACSW, is founder of Performance Enhancement Solutions, located in Rockford, just west of US131 at 14 Mile Road. She helps clients let go of past hurts, losses and negative thinking patterns so they can move ahead with energy, vitality and creativity. Visit her website at www.KathyHyink.com.

There’s an old story of a man stranded on a dark country road with a flat tire and no jack. He sees a dimly-lit farmhouse up ahead. As he’s walking along grumbling to himself, his fear and doubt build so that he begins to anticipate the farmer being negative and rejecting. By the time he gets there and knocks on the door, he has worked himself into such a state that before the farmer even says anything, the man blurts out, “Oh, just keep your darn jack.” He had defeat in mind and his behavior followed suit.

People tend to have streams of thought, often focused on a theme. A person’s stream of thought may follow a negative path which is based on fear and rejection, like the man in the story. Or a person’s stream of thought may be enthusiastic, upbeat, happy, and motivating. How would you describe your stream of thought?

In 1902 James Allen wrote a great little book, As A Man Thinketh, which has become a classic. In it Mr. Allen compares our patterns of thinking to a garden. Your mind is like a garden, Allen says, and has potential for both beautiful flowers and for overwhelming weeds.

So here’s how you can be a better “gardener.” First, take a break. Observe the tone of your thinking. For the next few days, monitor how you think. You will notice themes, or streams of thought. They will be primarily positive and encouraging (flowers), or negative and discouraging (weeds).

Second, make a decision. Decide to keep and to build on your thought habits, or decide to cut them from your garden.

Finally, visualize. Take a forward look into how you would like to be. For example, if you’ve been worrying about whether to change your job, visualize yourself being happy and satisfied at a job. It will help you make a decision. Grow more flowers in your garden by thinking positively about all the things that you want from life.

The way you think influences the way you see the world, which in turn affects your behavior. It makes sense that if you want to change your behavior, you should first change your thinking. This simple truth can help you grow and bloom to your fullest.

Kathy Hyink, LMSW, ACSW, is founder of Performance Enhancement Solutions, located in Rockford. Visit her website at www.KathyHyink.com.

Too many ideas and goals can bog you down, setting you up for disappointment. Instead, here are some tips for making 2006 a little more peaceful:

Take a forward look
Be purposeful in thinking about broad areas such as health, spiritual and intellectual development, family and social life, career, and finance. What is it you really want?

Develop themes
Think in terms of “more of this and less of that”. For example, perhaps you’d like to save more money and spend less. Then, you are moving in the right direction without rigid pressure. You are being kind to yourself as you are moving in the direction you choose.

Maintain balance
Respect your need to rest, to enjoy your life, and to have fun as well as to work. Be flexible and allow for interruptions. As the Beatle John Lennon once said, “Life is what happens to you when you’re making plans.”

Start with one small step
Even just standing up, stretching, and taking a deep breath is a good beginning.

This breaks inertia and helps build momentum. Inertia is a principle that says things tend to stay the same unless you make a conscious effort to change it. In other words, if you are sitting, you will stay sitting; if you are moving, you will continue to move.

A good friend once said, “I get up early and have my work done before most people even get out of bed. Then I have the rest of the day to do what I want and to be creative.”

You have the opportunity to decide what kind of year you’d like 2006 to be. You can let inertia take over, resulting in this year to be the same as last year. Or, you can build a new momentum by taking carefully-chosen action. The power is in the doing.

Kathy Hyink, LMSW, ACSW, is founder of Performance Enhancement Solutions, Inc. Visit her at www.KathyHyink.com.

Decide today that on January 1 you will feel really good about how you conducted yourself during December. Imagine yourself acting calmly and lovingly, and handling whatever comes up with a sense of humor. Use the following list to help you envision how you will respond to this year’s holiday rush.

Expectations; perfect gifts; relatives; special food to buy, prepare, and serve; home decorating; the tree, getting it, adorning it; more shopping; gift-wrapping; parties; more expectations, his, hers, theirs, and our own; writing intimate notes on holiday cards; shipping far-away gifts.

Church activities; traveling; school out of session; fun with the kids, making cookies, crafts, and sledding; hot chocolate; fireplaces; posing at picture studios. Volunteer work; pleasing everybody; year-end tax deductions; losing ten pounds, finding a new dress.

Make up your mind now that in the month ahead you will be fully present in each moment, smiling a lot, laughing too, being amused by others who are caught up in the frenzy, taking care of your body, and engaged in the spiritual significance of the season.

You can then enjoy holiday stress and peace of mind can be yours. And isn’t that the best gift of all?

P.S. If the stresses of the season seem overwhelming or too much to handle, I can help. Call my office for an appointment. I can also help you get a start on making positive changes for the New Year.

Kathy Hyink has twenty years of experience as a psychotherapist and performance enhancement specialist. She creatively combines leading edge methods with a solid foundation of traditional psychotherapy to help clients lead happier, more productive lives. Find out more at www.KathyHyink.com.

What about you? Do you need to prune the anxious thoughts, the angry feelings, the negative thinking that hold you back from personal development? Would you like to get rid of the dead weight of stress that keeps you from being your best?

It’s possible to have so much stuff, physical belongings, that we get immobilized by it. We would like to clean it up but don’t know where to begin. Sometimes the mess in our heads works the same way as the clutter in the garage. We can get frustrated by the clutter in our own thinking, feeling stuck in negative thoughts. We know we can feel better and do better, but we are just plain stuck.

I remember a woman who was given a creative assignment that she was excited about. She had been asked to produce a small musical play. However, she became extremely anxious because she couldn’t find the resources she needed. Her files were in such disarray that she was immobilized. She and I worked together for three sessions and managed to get rid of her anxiety and her self-defeating thoughts. Then she was able to deal with her files, purging them, organizing them in an efficient manner. She also enjoyed a new, positive, calm attitude. She experienced more ease, more creativity, and more enjoyment in her project and in her relationships. Clearing out the clutter of anxiety benefited her in all areas of her life. She actually won a prize for her play. More important was her new-found sense of peace.

If you are ready to take charge of your life this fall, call me. Together we can prune whatever is holding you back, so you can grow and thrive as you were meant to. Have a wonderful autumn season.

Kathy Hyink, ACSW, is founder of Performance Enhancement Solutions, located in Rockford. She has over 20 years experience mobilizing people to reach their full potential and be their best. Visit her website at www.KathyHyink.com.